Big Explosions and Pretty Camera Angles
by Elfzilla
Summary: A parody based off the Spiderman film. A satire comprised of the mundane story, dialogue and character development. Please review, even if you hate it!


Disclaimer: I do not own Spiderman and I am not making a profit off of this parody. I wrote this fan fiction because I found the film starring Tobey Maguire wasn't really all that good dialogue and story wise. The acting was satisfactory and the action was very interesting, but, considering that I am not a philistine, I was not fully satisfied by the pretty camera angles and big explosions. I expected more out of the film. The hype far outstrips the quality of the production.

Therefore; I wrote this parody in a script format, closely watching the dialogue and story of the film. Be warned, if you're a Spiderman obsessed fan who can't take a joke, this is not for you. If you choose to write a review laden with "OMG U SUCK", I will just laugh at your ignorance and lack of humour. If you enjoyed it, I am glad that I was able to make you laugh.

Please realise that this parody is only a joke. I do not hold a hatred for Spiderman. I just thought it's feature film didn't do the comic justice and thought I'd poke fun of it.

Anyway, enough waffling. Enjoy!

**Chapter One; Cue Tired Clichés **

**Spiderman Narrative: **"Who am I? Are you sure you wanna know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart- Oh my god. Do you think people are that dense that they don't guess that it's about Spiderman? Seriously? The name of the movie is _Spiderman _and by the people we refer to as 'faint of heart' is a reference to movie critics who realize that they're in for a long haul.

Anyhoo, this story is not about my ever enduring struggle as a masked vigilante. OH NO. It isn't. It's about a girl."

**Mary Jane: **_Sitting on the bus next to her boyfriend, laughing, moving in slow motion. _

**Spiderman Narrative: "**There she is. The girl I've loved since kindergarten and I have been obsessing over her since I first saw that fiery crop of hair. I know that her favourite body spray is Calgon, that she eats Captain Crunch in the mornings and that she is secretly bulimic. I also happen to have taken a liking to collecting her used facial tissues and shed hair. I roll them up into a little ball and stuff my cock into the snotty ball of tangled hair every night screaming 'MARY JAAAANE! MAAARY JAAHEHEHAAAANE!'."

_Cue a shot that slowly pans closer to the front of the bus, actors in their mid 30s dressed in low cut tops and pigtails, trying to pass as teenagers. They turn and look at the right side window, laughing at a boy in glasses who is running after the bus. _

**Peter Parker: **_Is the boy outside, thumping his hand against the side of the bus, running after it. _"STOP THE BUS!

**Spiderman Narrative: **_Sounds embarrassed. _"That's me."

**Everyone on the bus, including the bus driver: **_Is laughing at Peter._

**Mary Jane: **"OMG, you have to, like, stop the bus. It only occurred to me to stand up for him after he's been chasing us for six blocks now."

_The bus comes to a halt and Peter comes on board, thanking the driver and gets a paper wad thrown at him. He walks along down the aisle and everyone refuses to let him sit with him, establishing that he is the school dork and gets picked on frequently. Someone sticks out their foot and trips him while everyone laughs at him. This is all in spite of the fact that high school seniors normally keep to themselves unless provoked by someone obnoxious or annoying. _

Cut to a scene that stands right in front of a large science center where the students are obviously taking a field trip.

A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of the building and the camera views inside the car to find father and son sitting in the back seat together and a chauffer in the driver's seat.

**Harry Osbourne: **_Speaks in a whiney voice. _"Daaad! Can't we just go around the side so no one sees us? Waaaah!"

**Norman Osbourne: **"…The entrance is right there."

**Harry: **"This is a field trip with a bunch of my classmates. I don't like showing up in a Rolls."

**Norman: **"You know what, you little shit? I offered you a ride and you took it. It's not like we're in a stretch limo. If you had such a huge problem you could have walked, took the bus or paid cab fare."

**Harry: **"But Dad, if I did that we wouldn't have been able to institute a platform of my subconscious fear of your power, wealth and intelligence."

**Norman: **"That's true. Have a good day."

**Harry: **"Blow me." _Opens the door and walks out of the car, making a beeline for Peter. They greet each other and begin walking towards the building. _

**Norman: **"Harry!" _Peter and Harry turn around to see Norman walking towards them with Harry's backpack. _"You forgot this."

**Harry: **"God! Screw you, Dad. By the way, this is my hetero life mate Peter Parker."

**Peter: **_Sucks up to Norman. _

**Norman: **"I love it when people stroke my ego. Anyhoo, you two have a good day."

_Peter and Harry turn and continue up the building steps after being summoned by their teacher. _

**Peter: **"Your Dad doesn't seem too bad."

**Harry: **"I hate my Dad. He tries to bond with me, he drives me to school when I should technically have my own license and be driving myself, he buys me clothes, provides me with nutritious food and a roof over my head…it just isn't fair! He hates me!"

**Peter: **"Oh, muffin. I chased the bus for six blocks before it let me on and you're bitching about how your Dad gave you a ride? Get over yourself, man."

**Harry: **"WAAAAH. YOU'RE BEING MEAN."

**Peter: **"Well, the truth hurts. Get used to it, your Highness."


End file.
